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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
May the bridges I burn light the way.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
More people should be at a loss for words.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!