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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.