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Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.