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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.