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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
At least a stalker is there for you.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.