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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.