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Will be drunk until further notice.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.