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I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what