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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
Home is where the alcohol is.