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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
My life is based on a true story
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.