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The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.