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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend