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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.