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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.