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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.