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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.