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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers