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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Girls just wanna have funds.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.