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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.