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Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.