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I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.