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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”