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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.