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There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.