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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.