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I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.