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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.