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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...