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Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"