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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.