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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...