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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".