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I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.