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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.