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I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.