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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
High fiving was the original "like".
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.