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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.