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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!