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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.