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Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.