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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.