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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.