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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I’m tired of things costing money.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.