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FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.