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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.