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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I say the things better left unsaid.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.