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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.