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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.