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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.