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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..