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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.