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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.