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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels