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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?