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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.