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If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.