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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.