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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.