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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.