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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen