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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.