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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Is Nudeism a religion?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.