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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?