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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
I need more people like me in my life
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”