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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".